Saturday, December 22, 2007

Kid Sis in Trouble

By now I'm sure you've all heard how Britney's younger sister, Jamie Lynn Spears (star of the Nickelodeon show Zoey 101), is pregnant. 16yo Jamile Lynn got knocked up by her 19yo boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, who -- from what I've read -- is the son of a Tennessee paper mill worker whom she met in church. The Mississippi Picayune describes him as a "pipe layer" (no joke).

Jamie Lynn and her mom sold the story to OK! magazine. As you can see, the cover says that Jamie Lynn was "shocked" to which I say "you were presumably having sex and not using birth control, didn't you realize this could happen?" I also read somewhere that her mom, Lynne Spears, was shocked when she first heard the news to which I say "wasn't your daughter shacked up with her boyfriend, how fracking shocked can you be?" Oh, I also just read that Lynne was planning on coming out with a book on parenting and that the publishing date has been indefinitely postponed. I'm sorry, but you'd think the train wreck that is older daughter Britney's life would have already disqualified this Kentwood mama from trying to give anybody parenting advice. Has she shared any of her treasure trove of knowledge on how to be Mother of the Year with Brit Brit who lost custody of her two children?

According to the ever reputable Us Magazine, Jamie Lynn's father was angry that his ex-wife and daughter decided to blow up their family's business all over the front page of OK! To that I say "hey, they have to pay for baby's diapers somehow..." Britney I guess is probably happy that this teenage pregnancy thing will help take the spotlight off of her hot mess at Christmas dinner.

But of all the peripheral news I've read related to Jamie Lynn's pregnancy announcement, I think my favorite is the rumor that Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson's younger sis, is upset that everyone was too engrossed in this scandal to notice that she put out a new video for her song "Outta my head." Waa, waa. You can check out the video here: the song is kind of catchy, but Amanda is totally right on calling out that this is awfully reminiscent of the Alice in Wonderland video for Gwen Stefani's "What you waiting for?".

Solange

Jamie Lynn's story made me think of Solange Knowles. For those of you who don't know, Solange is Beyonce's younger sister. She launched her debut album in Jan 2003, and it looked like father/manager, Matthew Knowles, was grooming her to follow in big sister's footsteps, when in February 2004 she was married off to a Texas Southern University football player named Daniel Smith.

News of her wedding seemed to come out of the blue leading some people to suspect that Solange had a bun in the oven, and sure enough she gave birth to Daniel Julez Smith by October of that year. This October, Solange told Essence magazine that she is now divorced from the baby's father, which raises the question of how long they were actually together. Was this all just a sham wedding arranged for appearances sake? Was Matthew Knowles worried that Solange's unwed pregnancy would tarnish the family's reputation in the community or that it would damage the girls' singing careers?

Solange was in this Bring It On sequel that came out last year called Bring It On: All or Nothing along with the cheerleader from Heroes (now that's what I call versatility). Did you know that was the third Bring It On movie and that a fourth one just came out this month? Madness! Papa Knowles has also confirmed that Solange is going to join Destiny's Child for their next album that should be out in 2009 or 2010. Apparently, there's been talk of this happening for some time, and Solange has collaborated with the girls on a few tracks in the past. Right on: Destiny's Child was a quartet back in the day when they gave us such classics as "Say My Name." From what I've heard from her Solange isn't a bad singer, and my H-town sources tell me that she is nice and cool and not as full of herself as big sis (which... her and the rest of the human race).

Brandy

If you think Solange's shotgun wedding was bad, when Brandy got knocked up in 2002 at the age of 23 she straight up lied and told everybody that she had a husband. She told everyone that she had secretly married a producer/songwriter named Robert Smith (not the guy from the Cure). She was quoted as saying "I’ve fallen in love with a very warm, gentle, understanding and focused person. This summer we married quietly. A new experience, a new day for me – I couldn’t be happier!" She kept up this charade until 2004 when, while promoting her album Afrodisiac, she admitted that she was never actually married to Smith and that she made up the secret wedding to preserve her image as little Miss Perfect. You'd think being caught out in such a huge lie would have caused more of a scandal. Anyway, it seems like the lesson here is that SWF celebrities can announce to the world that they're going to be unwed mothers, but SBF celebrities have to hurry up and marry some guy named "Smith."

But the marriage lie is nothing compared to what happened last December when Brandy killed somebody! A distracted Brandy was cruising down an LA highway in her Land Rover when traffic slowed down. She hit the car ahead of her which then collided with the car in front of it and the center divider before it was struck by a third car, fatally wounding the driver. Brandy wasn't driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but clearly she was not paying attention to the road (no word on whether she was on her cell phone). Still, bitches like Paris, Nicole and Lindsay are always driving drunk and no one gets scratched, but Moesha goes to switch CDs and somebody dies.

At the time, the LA City Attorney's office considered charging Brandy with misdemeanor vehicular homicide which carries a maximum penalty of $1,000 and 1 year in jail. But now it looks like girl might get away Scot free as the accident occurred last Dec 30 and there is a 1-year statute of limitations. I'm sure Brandy and her lawyers are hoping prosecutors get distracted by holiday parties this week and forget all about it.

And that's the thing: Brandy lies about her martial status for 2 years and kills somebody, and it's a momentary blip of the tabloid radar. But Jamie Lynn' pregnancy is the only thing anyone has been talking about for a week, and -- back before she really hit the skids -- Britney walked barefoot into a truckstop bathroom and precipitated a global economic crisis. As Dee suggested to me, could it just be that Brandy has a much better publicist than the Spearses?



Images: Dec 31, 2007 cover of OK! Magazine USA edition, photo of Solange's wedding produced by the Knowles family, album cover for Brandy's Full Moon (c) Atlantic Records.

5 comments:

Josie said...

a better publicist, perhaps, but also Brandy was 23 when she got knocked up. I can think of no other celeb, ever, who has been publicly pregnant at 16. it's truly unheard of. and trifling.

nola32 said...

that whole spears clan is a trainwreck, y'all. seriously, someone get rid of them. i'm soooo tired of it.
and what about how k-fed now looks like the reasonable one? who'd have thunk it?

Meeg said...

I know. Details magazine named him like father of the year and one of the most influential men under 45 or something like that. Why are you letting this happen, Britney, why??

Dee said...

The girl from Whale Rider got pregnant at 16, right when she was playing the virgin Mary in some Chistmas movie, but I guess that was ok b/c she is part New Zealand native (whatever they are called), so it wasn't like she's white.

Meeg said...

They're called Maori.