Friday, November 9, 2007

Catty Corner

One of our readers has suggested that this blog could do with a healthy dose of frivolous trash. >sighsuppose I can take a break from all the intellectual posts about history and nature in order to write something which will make us all feel a little dirty. See this, readers, if you write a comment I will actually read it, and your suggestions will be noted.

Anyway, Maxim magazine recently compiled a list of the "Five Unsexiest Women Alive," thus proving that straight men can be catty bitches too. When I read about this my first reaction was "wow, picking out five people and labelling them 'unsexy' -- that is so mean." Seriously, wouldn't you cry if someone compiled an unsexy list and put you on it? I think I would. But the second thought that ran through my mind was "must find out who else is on list." So let's run down the list, shall we, and (a) decide whether or not these ladies have been unfairly branded as "unsexy" and/or (b) talk smack about them.

#5 It's Britney, bitch
Ay! This is just what Brit Brit needs. I mean, talk about kicking a girl while she's down. Dlisted reports that Britney wanted to go let off some steam at a Maxim party on Tuesday night, but that was before her friends let her in on the fact that she was on the magazine's unsexy list. When she heard the news, she supposedly pouted and her eyes welled up with tears. Aww! I think we're all ready for that Britney comeback that may never happen right about now both because (a) classic Britney gave us some fun songs, and (b) this whole "hitting rock bottom" thing has been going on for so long that it's not even entertaining anymore.

#4 Madonna
Ooh, I love the Madonna hate. First of all, the boys at Maxim rightly point out that we are all sick and tired of hearing about Madge's quasi-Jewish, Kabbalah bullshit and her adopted Malawian baby. Speaking of the baby, I like to think that she brought him home just to spite Lourdes. You know that little girl is a big diva. Some might point out that Madonna usually looks damn good for a woman of 60 (or however old she is), but she's definitely lost her sexy edge as of late. I think that maybe, just as Angelina and Brad have been draining the sexy out of each other ever since they got together (and I owe that observation to Nicole), Madonna and Guy Ritchie have also sucked the sexy and the talent out of one another since they tied the knot.

#3 Sandra Oh
The Maxim guys say Sandra has a skinny boy body. Wow, mean. I mean I guess Sandra Oh doesn't exude sex, but then again she didn't do too bad in Sideways. I do get the feeling however that life for her entails a daily struggle against the frump. Moreover, Scandalous Candice points out that she sort of looks like she's surprised all the time (check out her eyebrows). I don't watch that Grey's Anatomy crap, but have you ever seen the movie Double Happiness? It is a pretty decent independent movie from the '90s starring Sandra Oh, and it's all about growing up Chinese Canadian, and your family being all in your business and controlling, and sweet red bean buns (mmm). If that sounds at all interesting to you, you should check it out.

#2 Amy Winehouse
Yes. Get help. Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy! She tops my list of young female celebrities I want someone to slap some sense in to (Lilo is #2 and Britney is #3). It is seriously frightening what fame has been doing to young women lately. Anyway, I think that putting Amy Winehouse on this list is not so much mean as it is tough love. This girl needs to get her shit together because she has an amazing voice and too much talent to be killing herself.

#1 Sarah Jessica Parker
Harsh. So, in this picture she sort of looks like a cross between Robin Wright Penn and Viggo Mortensen in The Lord of Rings. SJP does have the face of a 42-year-old woman who is determined to age naturally, but she has come a long way since she played the fugalicious dork queen on Square Pegs. Her role on Sex and the City made her synonymous with fashion, sophistication, and glamor. Granted, glamor ≠ sex, and occasionally she went a little over board with the haute couture choices and landed on the wrong side of ridiculous, but we all need to give SJP credit for fighting a one woman battle to make America more glamorous. Seriously, I'm always complaining about how people never dress up anymore. Apparently, when SJP heard she had been named the unsexiest woman alive (!) she said something like"That's ok, I don't think I'm sexy either." That makes me feel even worse for her.

I would also like to go ahead and call bullshit on this whole list. Do you really think the single writers and readers of Maxim wouldn't sleep with any one of these ladies if they got the chance? I would bet money that these women are more attractive than half of the girls they pick up in bars.

Top 5 pics were all found on Britney pic (c) Mark J Terrill/AP Photos, Madonna pic (c) Alastair Grant/AP Photos, Amy Winehouse pic (c) Jeff Christensen/AP Photos, SJP pic (c) Jennifer Graylock/AP Photos. Square Pegs pic is a still from TV Land.


Josie said...

someone was saying to me how brit just needs a few fierce gays in her life to straighten (haha) her ass out (no homo). instead she has cowering dancer friends who probably tell her dat weave look good! geesh!

Bracha said...

It took me a few minutes to realize that "Lilo" was referring to Lindsey Lohan. Does this mean I am a geezer???

Ada said...

That was awesome! Perez Hilton... or whatever your real LATINoa name is, watch out!!!! Ha-cha-cha Tamigi and THANK YOU FOR INDULGING the anti-intellect in me... keep it up!

Here's my thoughts:
Brit-- someone ought to tell her to take Julia Roberts up on the offer to take her in and show her the ropes y'all! I never thought I'd ever feel sorry for a girl with so much mullah and access, but u know, if she doesn't watch out, she'll be the next Michael Freak Jackson!

Lilo-- love the name. I feel bad for anyone who actually has an avitar on Facebook where people can send them back to rehab! Not to say I didn't download my own Lilo Avitar.. who could resist the thought of sending her on a bender but this time with someone driving?!

Madge-- Tamigi took the words right outta my mouth. Good parallel there on the Brangelina thing!

SJP-- I never liked her. Always thought she was too old to be acting all cutesy like she did in STC! You straight up should not be batting ur eyes all doe-eyed or going "ooh" in baby voices or turning ur feet out like a shy 5 year old priss when ur pushing 50!

Whin-o-- she has a tooth missing. Tooth missing before fame. Crackhead before fame. Nuff said.

Josie said...

i asked brian which of these ladies he would like to sex and he said he thought SJP would be a freak nik in bed. what goes on in the minds of straight men, we may never know.

Meeg said...

Yeah, I don't know... I don't see her and Inspector Gadget (as I want to call him from now on) getting freaky like that. And how wild can she be when she refuses to take her top off?

Josie said...

i think her hubs is def a mo and she's probs an ice queen who doesnt like to get nekkid. marriage of convenience indeed.

Meeg said...

Well the gays do love the SJP.

nola32 said...

oh, good call on inspector gadget being a mo (am i kind of sick for wanting to spell it inspektor now? thanks a lot jason lee!). he totally is. i must admit that i was crazy hot for him circa war games. hot damn i miss the 80s.